The Top Ten Ways to Run a Really Lousy Race
By Rick Morris
Start out too fast
Would you like to run a lousy race? If you want to end up with legs like spaghetti noodles and crawl across the finish line you should run as hard as you can at the start of your race. You will look great at the beginning and like a jester at the end.
Show up late
There is nothing like getting to the starting line seconds before the gun goes off. You won’t have time to warm up so your muscles will be tight and slow. Who knows, you may even injure yourself. This will guarantee you will run a lousy race.
Make sure you are warm and toasty at the starting line. That will almost guarantee that you will become over-heated and possibly dehydrated later in the race. This is an excellent way to set a new personal worst.
Eat a huge meal before your race
It is always nice to have a stuffed and bloated stomach during a big race. All that food and drink shoshing around in there is bound to bring about some nice gastrointestinal upsets. A top notch case of runners trots should add to your finishing time. Puking at the finish line will also make for a good photo op. You will have run a lousy race for sure.
Ignore line up protocol
If you are a fast runner, line up in back. That way you will be able to waste time and effort in trying to get past the slower runners. If you are a slower runner, line up with your toes on the starting line. The starting surge will pull you along at a pace that is too fast. You should crash and burn nicely later in the race.
Don’t taper before your race
Make sure you do a really long and hard run the day before your race. You muscles will be shredded like spaghetti squash. You will have a hard time finishing much less running well.
Start the race dehydrated
Don’t drink anything the day before your race. If you are in a state of dehydration you are sure to be moving in slow motion. Another good way to insure a bad day.
Eat a high protein, low carbohydrate diet
Stay away from carbohydrates. The only thing that carbs do is supply you with a sure flow of high grade energy. Who needs energy when you are running long distances at a high speed?
Drink lots and lots of plain water during your marathon
Don’t use electrolyte replacing sports drinks. The plain water will decrease the sodium balance in your blood and you will become hyponatremic. You will become nauseous, confused, stumble around like a drunk and most likely give the paramedics something to do. This is one of the best ways to ruin your marathon experience.
Don’t take any breaks during your training. Run hard and long every day. Make sure your muscles are always fatigued. Heavy legs, elevated heart rate, frequent illness, burn out and decreased performance will make it easy to run your worst race ever.
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