Top Ten Ways to Guarantee a Failed Running Life
By Rick Morris
You know you need a running goal. A goal many runners strive for is a long and successful running life. Don’t jump on that bandwagon. You should stand out in the crowd. Why not go for full blown running failure. Here are our top ten ways to guarantee a failed running life.
Learn to Hate Running
I think the most efficient way to screw up your running life is to learn to hate running. It’s easy to fail or quit when you hate something. So whatever you do, don’t get any joy out of running. If you have problems developing that hate of running try running for the wrong reason. Don’t run for any intrinsic or personal reasons. Instead run for purely external reasons like impressing someone or because your coach makes you run.
Chow Down
If you want to fail at running, make sure it gets harder and harder. One good way to make running more difficult is to put on a lot of weight. If you thought running was hard at 140 pounds, just try it at 240 pounds. You can put on weight quickly by overeating and focusing on simple sugars, foods that are high in calories but low in nutrition and fatty fried foods. Don’t forget to suck down lots of those soft drinks and never eat your vegetables.
Sleep is For Wimps
If you have too much energy you may really mess up and succeed with your running life. A good way to avoid all that energy is to skip your z’s. A good night’s sleep will rejuvenate your mind, body and spirit giving you too much of that evil energy. So remember, sleep is for wimps. Settle for just a few hours of low quality sleep per night to insure chronic fatigue and a failed running life.
Run in a Rut
To insure a failed running life, make sure you run in the deepest rut you can find. Do the same workout, at the same speed, in the same place, every day. Your body will quit improving and your mind will turn to mush. Avoid multi pace training, hill running, trail running and a holistic running life. Your mind and body will thank you by shutting down and destroying your running life.
Be Narrow Minded
Make sure you run with a closed and narrow mind. Don’t even listen to or consider other forms of training, styles of running or ways to improve fitness. There is only one way and that is your way. Anyone that doesn’t agree with you is an idiot. A narrow mind is a sure way to avoid improvement and running success.
Inflate Your Ego
There may not be an “I” in running, but that doesn’t matter. There is nobody more important than you and your needs. Focus only on yourself. Don’t have any compassion for your fellow runners and always remember that your current needs are all that matters. That way you can be a miserable, lonely running failure.
Weak is Wonderful
The last thing you want for a failed running life is strong muscles and joints. Strong muscles will help make you more injury resistant and will improve your running economy and performance. Make sure you are often injured, have terrible running economy and poor running performance by avoiding all strength training and flexibility exercises.
Pound the Pavement
Occasional runs on hard, concrete surfaces won’t do much to screw up your running life. But, pounding the hard pavement everyday could do wonders in helping you reach your goal of running failure. Running on that hard, unyielding surface every day will eventually take a toll on your muscles and joints that will almost certainly insure running failure. Never run on softer urban, park or mountain trails. That might cause you to slip up and succeed.
Push Hard, Push Harder
Did you just do an extremely hard work out that completely exhausted you both physically and mentally? Whatever you do, don’t take a rest or easy day. A recovery day after a hard workout will allow your mind and muscles to recover and strengthen. You can avoid that problem by pushing even harder today and even harder than that tomorrow. Make sure your body never recovers. If you’re lucky you will reach a level of overtraining that completely obliterates your ability to run.
Form? Who Needs Form!
To insure a failed running life, don’t pay any attention to your form or running mechanics. Poor running form will make you an inefficient runner that is prone to injury. Make sure you over stride and land heavily on your heels. That will slow you down, place tons of excessive stress on your feet, ankles, knees, hips and back. You will be often injured and a complete failure.
